It was a Monday morning sometime between 4:00 and 6:00 I’d say.
Featured in this dream was my friend Mavis from way back in the day. Grade school back in the day so that’s like way way back. At first I thought I’d Facebook her about it, then I thought I’d just shoot her an e-mail. She reads my blog so I quickly landed on just posting about it. She gets told, a blog post gets knocked outta the park and I’ve killed two birds with one laptop.
As a disclaimer, I am not not advocating throwing laptops at birds. Unless it’s Starlings. Those things aren’t even supposed to be in America in the first place.
So the dream starts in a classroom setting. It was college although Mavis and I never had any college classes together. We are in the front row sitting at a long table, me on the very left, Mavis on my right. It’s test time. Math test time. End of the quarter, if you don’t pass you flunk math test time. And it wasn’t just the end of the quarter for me, it was the end of my college career as well. If I flunked this test I wouldn’t graduate.
So I’m looking down at the test and I’m confused. Not I don’t know math confused, but is this test even actual math confused. You see, the math test was actually a Jo-Ann’s advertisement. For those of you not in the know Jo-Ann’s is a fabric, scrapbooking, picture framing, jewelry making, knitting, bridal favor, painting, random objects made in China extravaganza and they put out an ad listing projects and current sales.
So I’m flipping through the ad trying to figure out what the frick I am supposed to do. I nudge Mavis and look questioningly at her. She taps a particular page and I look down at it. The first question listed casually among different types of yarn is about Barney.
Barney the purple dinosaur who is the arch enemy of every sane parent out there. The question is who is Barney modeled after? Fortunately the “math” test was multiple choice so I thought maybe I had a shot at passing. Of the four options there were three names I had never heard of before and a purple eggplant.
Right-e-o. I picked the purple eggplant.
As a side note, I’ve determined it’s the addition of the purple eggplant in this dream that qualifies it for a post here on my “food satire” blog. Clearly Barney is making fun of eggplants.
Anyway. Now, I am no cheater, but I was so confused about the dang math test that I looked over at Mavis’ page to see what answer she had picked for the Barney question. She had a button over the question. A white political button that said “I Vote Heather” written in crayon and attached to the page.
I knew a Heather back in my High School days, but the only Heather I know now is Supermom. Supermom, are you running for something? Am I supposed to be voting for you? Let me know, okay?
I glanced back at my own test, nerves beginning to set in as I suddenly realized all the other students were turning in their tests. What the what? I was still struggling over the Barney question. So the teacher comes over to me, leans in close and whispers in her nastiest raspiest voice “you didn’t read the material did you?”
“I did, I did” I told her, “I just have so many classes right now!” But it was a lie. In fact, I had no recollection of reading any of the material, math related or purple dinosaur related or eggplant related or otherwise.
In fact, I had no recollection of even being in college. In fact, I wasn’t supposed to even be in college!
The plot thickens.
I leaned over to Mavis and whispered to her “I’m not supposed to be here. I graduated years ago. I was sent back in time.” Mavis looked at me like I was nuts. I don’t blame her for that, I’d have looked at me like I was nuts too if I were her. She then laughed at me. I don’t blame her for that either, I am always making jokes.
Mavis gets up to hand her test in and I grabbed my stuff and followed suit, tossing my Jo-Ann’s ad on the teacher’s desk with only purple eggplant circled.
“You’re going to flunk,” the teacher hissed at me.
“No,” I said, “I’m not. I graduated YEARS ago and frankly, it was no big deal.” I never did make a big deal of graduating college, even back then. I always just assumed I would. Never assumed to know much about Barney though. I guess now that I have a kid I’ll have to correct that oversight.
Back to the dream. I chased after Mavis who was almost out of the classroom and begged her to listen to me. I reiterated again that I was sent back in time and I could prove it to her! I whipped out my cell phone. You all remember what cell phones looked like way back then right? Big, bulky, dull grey plastic things with a flip top. That’s the cell I had in college anyway.
I pulled out my EVO Shift and handed it to Mavis. She tried to flip it open like the flip phones only the old folk still use today. Old folk like the in-laws.
I’d apologize for that statement except if you knew just how many times the Husband has had to “fix” something that was never broken in the first place on his folks simple flip phones you’d see it was justified. More than justified. Long overdue. If ever there was a reason to dread a visit from the in-laws it’s the inevitable emergence of the phone and a new bizarre complication regarding text messaging (which they don’t have), speed dial, ring tone, voice messages and numbers that randomly appear like ghosts. You know, numbers like how many voice mails they have.
Ok, ok, back to the dream. I had just handed Mavis my EVO Shift and she was attempting to open it like a flip phone. I quickly showed her how to scroll across the screens and how to connect to the internet and check e-mail and all that jazz.
“If that’s not enough proof, let me show you my car! You’ll see how it’s aged!” Yes, I have had my Jeep since college (albeit the very end) and it’s not going anywhere anytime soon either.
Please don’t ask why I was sent back in time with all my stuff.
“Whoa,” Mavis said, “just whoa.”
Finally she had believed me!
“But how did you get here?” she asked me. “Who sent you?”
I wasn’t sure. How did I get there?
I scanned the classroom for something out of the ordinary and there it was. Or there he was. It was Justin, my friend and former colleague Wendi’s kid. And by kid, I mean kid. I haven’t seen him since I left work, but he can’t be more than ten or eleven even now.
Justin was standing behind the last row of tables wearing baggy, faded jeans and a plain white t-shirt. Mavis and I ran up to him and I asked him how I had gotten here. He looked down at his sneakers.
“JUSTIN!” I exclaimed.
“I was just trying to send my grandma back. Somehow I sent you back too.” Justin explained.
“Can you get me home?” I asked.
“NO!” Justin screamed, turned on his heels and ran. The back of the classroom faded away to a grassy courtyard.
“JUSTIN! Get back here. Don’t make me call your mother!” I yelled.
Just as Mavis and I began chasing after him my alarm went off.
That is all.
Question of the Day: Do you like eggplant? What’s your favorite recipe?