Toasters. We’ve all had one or have used one. If you haven’t, you clearly don’t eat and I’m not sure what you’re doing reading a food blog anyway.
We currently own a crappy old two slicer with a busted handle that’s been hanging out in the detached garage in an open box for the last three months. I am certain that toaster + open box + detached garage x three months = mouse. At least that’s the equation I’ve developed to justify finally purchasing a new toaster.
While The Husband has been anti new toaster, he also claims to be very logical. Since Math is also very logical I feel he can no longer validly argue against a new toaster. Unless he likes mouse fur burnt into his bread. Considering he won’t even eat couscous I highly doubt he’d eat mouse fur so I think my equation will stand.
With my justifications for buying a toaster firmly in place, I did what any young American would do and consulted Amazon.
Amazon is like visiting the office supply store, but instead of 200 different kinds of post-it notes you have 2,000,000 different kinds of everything else. Okay maybe I’m embellishing but there were a freaking lot of toasters to weed through.
And weed through them I did. Not just toasters, but toaster reviews. Did you know that people in this country are rather obsessed with their toast? How fast does bread toast, how high does the toast raise, how many wire prongs hold the toast in place, how big is the toaster itself, do English muffins and *gasp* bagels fit, does artisan style bread fit, how pretty is the toaster, does it show fingerprints, what’s the lowest setting you can get toasted toast on, does it defrost, how do pop tarts factor in, where is the cord located, how convenient is the crumb tray, digital or not, does the outside of the toaster get hot, how hard are the levers to push, how much bread does it toast at one time, does it have settings for the “anxiety-ridden”, how much power does it draw, how many heating elements are there, how heavy is it (ummm…who carries around their toaster??) and lastly but certainly not least how evenly does it toast.
How evenly the bread toasted seemed to be of the highest concern. “Charles” went as far as to buy loaves of bread after receiving his new Breville and began toasting slice after slice as an experiment. Don’t worry, the birds didn’t think he was as crazy as I did since “The local sparrows were happy with the experiment and urged a repeat run.” If Charles can afford a $130 two slice toaster, he can probably swing for a few extra loaves of bread to play with. Although the fact the birds were apparently talking to him still leaves a question mark next to his sanity.
One review stood out above the rest. A smart fellow named Scott commented that the toaster he purchased did in fact make toast! He had spent way too much time worrying about the evenness of his toast and finally realized he didn’t care if his toast was evenly toasted.
Bravo. Truly. Bravo.
After a good hour of reading toaster reviews I stumbled across Scott and a light bulb went off in my head. I too did not care if my toast was evenly toasted. In fact, I suddenly realized I did not even want my toast evenly toasted. Think about it. We’ve all seen on TV or in the movies stories of people seeing messages in their toast. A word, an image. Dare I say, the face of Jesus. Don’t make that face at me, you’d all be thrilled to put a simple piece of bread in a toaster and come out with a potentially religious breakfast. It could only improve your day to have a nod from the Big Guy up above. I’m right. You know I’m right.
So let’s talk toasters. What kinds are there?
Well, there’s cheap ones.
Hello Kitty ones.
Sports team toasters.
I’m leaning towards one of these toasters. Can you guess which?