12. February 2013 · 19 comments · Categories: Humor · Tags: ,

Toasters.  We’ve all had one or have used one.  If you haven’t, you clearly don’t eat and I’m not sure what you’re doing reading a food blog anyway.

We currently own a crappy old two slicer with a busted handle that’s been hanging out in the detached garage in an open box for the last three months.  I am certain that toaster + open box + detached garage x three months = mouse.  At least that’s the equation I’ve developed to justify finally purchasing a new toaster.

While The Husband has been anti new toaster, he also claims to be very logical.  Since Math is also very logical I feel he can no longer validly argue against a new toaster.  Unless he likes mouse fur burnt into his bread.  Considering he won’t even eat couscous I highly doubt he’d eat mouse fur so I think my equation will stand.

With my justifications for buying a toaster firmly in place, I did what any young American would do and consulted Amazon.

Amazon is like visiting the office supply store, but instead of 200 different kinds of post-it notes you have 2,000,000 different kinds of everything else.  Okay maybe I’m embellishing but there were a freaking lot of toasters to weed through.

And weed through them I did.  Not just toasters, but toaster reviews.  Did you know that people in this country are rather obsessed with their toast?  How fast does bread toast, how high does the toast raise, how many wire prongs hold the toast in place, how big is the toaster itself, do English muffins and *gasp* bagels fit, does artisan style bread fit, how pretty is the toaster, does it show fingerprints, what’s the lowest setting you can get toasted toast on, does it defrost, how do pop tarts factor in, where is the cord located, how convenient is the crumb tray, digital or not, does the outside of the toaster get hot, how hard are the levers to push, how much bread does it toast at one time, does it have settings for the “anxiety-ridden”, how much power does it draw, how many heating elements are there, how heavy is it (ummm…who carries around their toaster??) and lastly but certainly not least how evenly does it toast.


How evenly the bread toasted seemed to be of the highest concern.  “Charles” went as far as to buy loaves of bread after receiving his new Breville and began toasting slice after slice as an experiment.  Don’t worry, the birds didn’t think he was as crazy as I did since “The local sparrows were happy with the experiment and urged a repeat run.”  If Charles can afford a $130 two slice toaster, he can probably swing for a few extra loaves of bread to play with.  Although the fact the birds were apparently talking to him still leaves a question mark next to his sanity.

One review stood out above the rest.  A smart fellow named Scott commented that the toaster he purchased did in fact make toast!  He had spent way too much time worrying about the evenness of his toast and finally realized he didn’t care if his toast was evenly toasted.

SCOTT Review

Bravo.  Truly.  Bravo.

After a good hour of reading toaster reviews I stumbled across Scott and a light bulb went off in my head.  I too did not care if my toast was evenly toasted.  In fact, I suddenly realized I did not even want my toast evenly toasted.  Think about it.  We’ve all seen on TV or in the movies stories of people seeing messages in their toast.  A word, an image.  Dare I say, the face of Jesus.  Don’t make that face at me, you’d all be thrilled to put a simple piece of bread in a toaster and come out with a potentially religious breakfast.  It could only improve your day to have a nod from the Big Guy up above.  I’m right.  You know I’m right.

So let’s talk toasters.  What kinds are there?

Well, there’s cheap ones.

Cheap ToasterAnd expensive ones.

Expensive Toaster

Retro ones.

Cuisinart Toaster
And modern ones.

Bodum Bistro Toaster
Popular ones.

Black and Decker

Hello Kitty ones.

Hello Kitty ToasterAnd Domo ones.

Domo Toaster
Ones that show you the toast on the inside.

Nostalgia See Through Toaster
Ones that toast on the outside.

Pyramid Toaster
Ones with a fold down griddle.

Nostalgia Flip Down
Ones that make coffee.

Nostalgia Toaster Oven Griddle Coffee
Long ones.

T-Fal 4 Slice Toaster
Fat ones.

Calphalon Toaster
Yellow Ones.

Yellow Toaster
One fish, two fish, red fish.

Sports team toaster
Blue fish.

Blue Toaster

Sports team toasters.

And OMG.  OMG.  Religious toasters.  There is in fact a Jesus toaster.

Jesus Toaster
Or The Virgin Mary if that is more your thing.

Virgin Mary Toaster
Kinda takes the mystery out of breakfast then doesn’t it?

I’m leaning towards one of these toasters.  Can you guess which?

– Joanna


  1. What – no image of father-in-law toasters?

    • No, but I did find a “toaster” that cooked hot dogs AND toasted the bun. I may have suggested Mike get you that for Father’s Day.

  2. We really like our almost-10-year-old, got-it-as-a-wedding-gift toaster oven!

    • I like the red one! Or you can go to Target and explore the kitchenwares department.

      • The round red one or the square red one? I really like the round red one, but it seems ridiculous for our current kitchen style (the previous owners were old and so is the kitchen). At one point I wanted all red small appliances, but I only had a coffee maker and it has since busted so the red theme has kinda gone out the kitchen window.

    • I thought about a toaster oven, but I don’t really need a whole oven. We have double ovens here.

  3. I was going to vote for the red cuisinart, but I really think the Jesus toaster would be hilarious–especially when you had some unsuspecting person housesitting or as a guest.
    P.S. I’m sorry you were sick and glad that you seem better now. It’s nice to have you being funny on my computer in the mornings.

    • Maybe I accidentally sent you my Crud via the internet. What are your symptoms? Better yet, what are you watching on TV? Oh and don’t drink the water in Mexico, I hear it’s bad. Very very bad.

  4. I actually have a Detroit Tigers toaster like you pictured above with the sports image, but I only use that for special occasions. Otherwise? Totally use my cheap toaster and it does a fabulous job.

    Related but not really: There is no better smell than toast. Seriously.

  5. I love the retro one at the beginning- so purty! We use a toaster oven, so that could extend your search even further. Oh and Charles is awesome!


    Kidding. Toasters that put the characters on them don’t have as toasty of bread in my experience. I’d go for the all-in-one breakfast station with the coffee maker. I have a friend who owns one and she seems to love it.

    • If I hadn’t bought a new Cuisinart coffee maker last year I totally would. I have to say I find the one with the fold down griddle fascinating!

  7. Now I’m going to spend hours reading toaster reviews. Thanks a lot.
    I could care less how evenly my toast is toasted, its all about how it looks with everything else in my kitchen. We got ours at Target and it is most similar to “popular” above. (figures) I really like the one where you can see the toast. Thats pretty sweet. Of course we baught a Steelers toaster for Pauls dad for Christmas last year. (of course). I vote retro for you!

    • I looked for Mike’s favorite teams in a toaster, but apparently they are so bad no one wants to make toast with their logo on it. Don’t tell Mike I said that.

  8. I remember having the same issue when we were registering for a new toaster for our wedding. There were so many and the reviews were mixed for all of them! We’ve loved the one we have, though…I guess it’s like the retro one you posted? http://www.amazon.com/Cuisinart-CPT-170-Brushed-Stainless-Countdown/dp/B000VTLI60/ref=wr_it_dp_o_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=3PXIMMOG1PMXT&coliid=I16PYD1LGPYHOH

    • Such a tease . . . linking to a toaster that is currently unavailable. I do tend to gravitate towards Cuisinart products. Oh well, Jesus toaster it is then 😉

  9. We have the retro one and it kind of sucks. At the cottage, though, we have a very efficient four slicer, which is my favourite. And it’s not the expediency that’s the best, although that’s good – I like it because it was one of my husband’s parting gifts on a game show he was coerced into going on. It was a design game show, and he knows nada about design. Toast makes me laugh every time I make it now.