29. June 2012 · 7 comments · Categories: Humor, Man Cave · Tags:

** Editor’s note: Please enjoy another guest post from the Father-In-Law . . . this one is a bit more controversial than the last post as he does poke some fun at females as well as elderly male drivers. Don’t worry though, I’ll get him back for it… **

Here we go again dear readers.

I was underwhelmed with requests for another post, so here it is. I chose the topic “If I Were King”. Now that I’m retired I have the time to notice all of the things wrong with the world – and the time to fix them. Maybe you have some of the same thoughts and we could start a mini revolt in our mini kingdom. Just no thoughts of over-throwing the king!

I spend a lot of time behind the wheel these days. Most of our traveling is to destinations involving beaches or visiting our little grandson. For that reason I have at the top of my list IDIOTS WHO DRIVE ONLY IN THE LEFT LANE! Sorry for the shouting.

Ha!  Look at the Father-In-Law, he loves shopping at garage sales.

Wait.  This isn’t his truck.  Crap.

I read a study by the California Highway Patrol who write lots of tickets for “impeding the flow of traffic”. The two main types of people who do this are termed the “Clueless” and the “Enforcers”.

The Clueless type is mostly female (sorry ladies) who claim that they drive over there 1. because the road is smoother, and 2. because there is less traffic over there. THAT’S BECAUSE THERE’S A FOUR MILE TRAFFIC JAM BEHIND YOU! Sorry again.

Ha!  Look at the Father-In-Law on one foot!  So funny. 

Wait.  All this does is prove he has excellent balance.  Crap.

The Enforcers are mostly male (I give equal opportunity in my kingdom). Enforcers are usually retired men who think everyone is driving too fast, so they feel they should enforce the speed limit.

This is a take on the old saying “If it’s too loud – you’re too old”. Well old-timers, if it’s too fast – STAY HOME! Now I’m only middle aged (I plan to live to be one hundred and twenty-six), so I’m still a racey kind of guy. I can cut these gentlemen a little slack as they feel their identification and importance was lost upon retirement.

Look at our American hero John Glenn. Most people know that he holds the record for being the oldest astronaut with his space shuttle ride a few years ago. He also holds the record for orbiting the earth fourteen times with the space shuttle’s left turn signal on. Look it up.

I probably don’t have the space to continue my hit parade. Like the check writers in the express lanes, or the newly arrived species on planet earth who have never read the entire menu listings of McDonalds or Starbucks, so they’ll just take fifteen or twenty minutes to do that JUST AS IT’S THEIR TURN TO ORDER! I promise, no more outbursts.

Ha!  Look at the Father-In-Law.  He’s lost.  So funny.

Wait.  All this does is prove he’s the first male willing to admit he’s lost.  Crap.

So, I know what you’re thinking. The king has only listed some problems but has offered no solutions. I’m going to start on the solutions right now. I do my best thinking out on the open road, in the left lane, possibly turning left – OR WILL I? Hahahaha…..

– Father-In-Law

P.S. Stop on back tomorrow because it’s your favorite and mine, FOODIE PEN PALS TIME!!!

Question of the Day: Do you give your real name at Starbucks?  I like to tell them my name is Skip.

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  1. Oh! Oh! Can I hate some drivers too? What about sitting in the passenger seat next to someone who doesn’t understand that automobiles have the ability to coast? Gas, Brake, Gas, Brake, speed to that red light, then Brake. Fun times.

    And I’m so thankful that I haven’t inherited any sexism from anywhere. Especially as it applies to my witty sense of humor. (Nobody go to my Twitter account to verify. Just trust).

  2. Julia "ratchett" James

    Huge pet peeve is the ‘left riders,’ I am usually telling them it is a privilege not a right to drive continuous in the left lane—- it is called a PASSING LANE for a reason 🙂 May you always be able to remove the bug cytoplasm from your windshield—safe travels to you! Joanna love your humor!!!

  3. I hate the ‘enforcers’ who decide that it is their job to prevent traffic from using a lane that’s ending due to construction. Have you ever seen this happen? The right lane is ending and people are getting in the left lane way to prematurely so the left lane is completely clear and then some idiot decides to prevent everyone from using the right lane bydriving a snails pace with half his car in the left lane and half in the right. If you’re so annoyed that people are passing you on the right, then get in the right lane yourself for christssakes!

  4. Dig this post- truer words about people who drive in the left lane were never spoken. Notice I said people. I will admit that there are some really, really bad female drivers out there but a lot of times when I pass someone (in the right lane) and I turn my head to glare at the person (who never sees me), it’s frequently a guy- and that guy is usually on the phone.

    When I was still teaching, the last day of school before summer vacation, I always did a one slide PowerPoint presentation about what the left lane of traffic is meant to be- a passing lane ONLY. That’s how important this is to me. 😉

    • Father-in-law

      It seems I’ve touched a nerve with the left lane drivers. It’s a good thing I didn’t
      mention my idea of hood ornament grenade launchers. Oh, and I’ve seen many
      “professional” truck drivers hold up traffic by taking MILES to pass another truck.
      My record for following one of these good buddy passes is seven miles on I-70.
      It is true that I tell every Starbuck’s barista that my name is Skip. Some of those
      guys make me nervous! I only go in there because the mother-in-law is a fan.
      Oh, and the picture of me looking at a road map didn’t mean I was lost. I was
      just checking it for mistakes which I would have later pointed out to the map
      publisher. Thanks for all of the comments and happy motoring. Your friend, Skip

  5. This is my husbands #1 pet peeve. If I show this post to him, he might print it and put it on the wall and possibly try to hand it out to people as they are driving slow in the fast lane. That might be unsafe, so I might have to refrain from showing him. Thoughts?

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