If you missed Part 1 of The Worst Food Blogger Ever click here.  If you caught it, but want to read it again to keep the flow going, click back there too.  If you didn’t catch it and don’t want to, but still what to know what the deal is anyway, here it is: I made bad brownies.  I fed said brownies to the Husband.  I hid said brownies in the oven.  I forgot about them and accidentally cooked them again.  And now you are all caught up.  It got worse…

At this point, I really should have just learned my lesson and chucked the brownies.

I had already spent more money on ingredients than it would have cost just to buy the stupid mix but I was going to be a food blogger darnit. I couldn’t back down now. While the blog wasn’t actually a go yet, Husband had already paid to register the domain name and I had done some preliminary work on its appearance. I even had a few posts started. I needed to commit, to be in this, to do this thing. I was going to fix these brownies. Fellow blogger Bethany had suggested via text message that sweetened condensed milk might do the trick if I wasn’t concerned with calories. Calorie counting was so far out the window at this point I was up for anything. Off to the basement I went. Sweetened condensed milk!!!! Expired in 2010. Crap. Can’t get any worse right? Upstairs it came.

 

I dumped some milk on top of the brownies, and there it sat.  A gooey, sticky, sugary, expired pool just sitting there.

Wait, I thought suddenly, “shouldn’t I have photographed a brownie before adding the milk??? I mean, if this recipe turns out fabulous and I actually get to blog about it, I need some during photos.” Cause who wouldn’t want to see a photo of a terrible brownie from a blogger actually suggesting you bake a terrible brownie in the process of getting to a good brownie? Sure. Out comes the fancy camera (which I had yet to learn to use properly) and out of the pan comes a chunk of brownie. Snapped a picture.

Okay, great, that’s done. Now what do I do? Somehow I thought the milk would settle into the brownies and make them moist and sweet. Nope, just sat there. Crap. Out comes the food processor. Brilliant! I will process it all up and make brownie pops. Perfect. In goes some of the brownie disaster.

Whirrrrrr. Hmmmm. A giant ball forms. I dump in a little more milk. Suddenly I am back to my original pre-baked, sludgey consistency.

CRAP!

What now? By now it’s almost time for Pete’s last feeding, dinner was out of the oven and I was starving. So what do I do? Well, of course I put the pan of leftover brownie mess in the fridge for later experimentation

and, as if it’s not bad enough already, I spoon the new sticky sludge into some tupperware and into the fridge it goes as well.

Wednesday morning arrives. Pete is happily playing in his swing so out comes the sludge. Refrigeration has altered the texture enough to roll it into balls and it’s no longer quite as sticky. I rolled one in white sugar and ate it. Yeah, I did. I ate it, and it wasn’t all bad. I rolled another in turbinado sugar and fed it to Husband before he headed off to work. Perhaps he was just being nice, but he said it was good. Good!

Okay where are we in this recipe then? Use a bunch of ingredients in random quantities to make awful brownies, forget about brownies, bake brownies twice accidentally, process with expired milk, refrigerate, roll and force your husband to eat them while wondering if his “good” is code for “I want out of the house quickly so I won’t crush your hopes and dreams and I need to run to the drug store for some mouthwash before I gag.”

If there was such a thing as a “don’t print” button, it would be right here. Do not print this recipe. Do not make this recipe. But do come back and visit, because I promise to either be a better food blogger or at least a funnier one.

Now, as I finish typing this post late Wednesday morning, Pete is napping and I still have the leftover brownies to save. Superblogger to the rescue!

Part 1 can be found here.

Part 3 can be found here.

 – Joanna

Question of the day: Does anyone not like brownies? Good brownies I mean, not my brownies.

5 Comments

  1. Ohmygosh, J! You are hilarious! I’m curious to know if anyone doesn’t like brownies myself because they are without a doubt my favorite dessert ever! I MAY choose to skip your brownies though…just saying! 🙂

  2. What a long, strange trip it was for these brownies. But they really were tasty at the end. (But next time, buy the box!)

  3. HA! Reminds me of the Ron White joke where his dog Sluggo licks his butt to try and get the taste of Ron White’s wifes’ cooking out of his mouth.

    You are welcome for the help Mike!

    good one.

  4. Poor brownies 🙁

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